Self Help for Marriage – Part 2
In this second article on ‘self help for marriage’, we’ll take a look at a number of other important actions that you can take to greatly improve your marriage. This advice is ‘self help’ in the sense that you need to initiate these actions, and they will most likely be welcomed by your spouse.
If you follow this advice consistently, then chances are that your marriage will improve, as your spouse will feel much more appreciated, respected, and loved.
1) Get to know your spouse.
Getting to know your spouse well is fundamentally important for a strong marriage.
Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage
Because if you don’t know your spouse, their likes and dislikes, then how can you meaningfully connect with them? Remember, you can’t meaningfully connect with a stranger, so make sure that your spouse hasn’t become a stranger to you!
So what exactly does it mean to know your spouse? Well, as mentioned, it means knowing their likes: whether it be food, television programs, hobbies, what they like doing to chill out, favourite memories…whatever it is! And it also means knowing their dislikes: whether it be people’s behaviour, bad memories, food that they prefer not to have, and anything else that your spouse doesn’t really like. If you’re unsure about any of these, then ask! One suggestion is to set aside time to ask each other a list of questions about various likes and dislikes (food, memories, hobbies, etc), and to keep doing this at regular intervals, so that your knowledge is up to date.
Another way is to be attentive to your spouse, and notice the things they do: often this will reveal a great deal about their likes and dislikes.
Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds, and because they’re so familiar with each other’s worlds, they have the knowledge to make a real difference to each other’s lives. This is particularly important during times of stress, such as after having a baby. Couples that know each other well are able to adjust to major life changes much better than those who don’t, because they know what each other’s needs are, and can take the right action to meet those needs.
So take the time to get to know your spouse! It will be one of the most important ‘self help’ activities you can do for your marriage. (As an aside, if your marriage is in trouble, then taking the time to get to know your spouse will show them that you are serious about getting your marriage back on track).
2) Deposit into your Spouse’s emotional bank account.
Another important self help activity you can do in marriage, whether your spouse reciprocates it or not, is to deposit into your spouse’s emotional bank account. The article on emotional bank accounts will give you detailed info on how to do this. But in short, the key principles are:
a) Find out what your spouse likes, then
b) Do the things that your spouse likes.
It is important to remember that there are some things you need to do every day within a marriage, otherwise you’ll be withdrawing from your spouse’s emotional bank account. These vary depending on your spouse, but usually include things such as affirming them, respecting them, telling them that you love them: all ‘little things’, yes, but in an intimate relationship such as marriage, the big things are the little things.
Depositing into your spouses emotional bank account is self help for your marriage in the sense that you alone are responsible for doing them: only you as the spouse can deposit into your spouses emotional bank account. If you get this right, and do it consistently, then it will make a BIG difference to your marriage.
Until next time…
In our next article on ‘self help for marriage’, we’ll be looking at how you can make a big difference to the way you discuss heated issues. We’ll look at a simple action that can make the difference between an ‘unsuccessful’ argument (where you walk away feeling frustrated and angry with your spouse), and a ‘successful’ argument, where the issue is more likely to be resolved, and the relationship strengthened.
Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage