Problems in Marriage: The 3 Main Causes
There are three main causes for problems in marriage. The following list starts with the most obvious and observable cause, and then drills down further, to the ultimate cause of problems in marriage.
No. 3: The negative feelings outweigh the positive feelings
Author John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that one of the key reasons for continuing problems in marriage is that the spouses have more negative feelings about each other than positive feelings. He says that most marriages start off on such a high (just think of the wedding day!), that most couples find it hard to see how they will ever have serious problems in their marriage.
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But then, over time, anger, irritation, and resentment toward each other can build up, to the point that the great friendship they began with fades into a distant memory. The couple no longer see each other as best friends, (even though they say they do), and end up in what Gottman calls ‘negative sentiment override’. By this he means that everything gets interpreted more and more negatively. Words said even in a neutral tone of voice are taken very personally. So when the wife simply says ‘you shouldn’t leave your clothes over the floor’, the husband automatically sees this as an attack, saying something like ‘leave me alone!’, and another fight begins. Not surprisingly, this only leads to more problems in marriage.
No. 2: Lack of friendship in the marriage
This ‘negative sentiment override’, which leads to serious problems in marriage, is caused by a lack of deep friendship within the marriage, according to Gottman. The couple no longer respect each other, nor do they enjoy each other’s company. In fact, they’ve drifted apart, and no longer know each other, but live as ‘married singles’, living their own separate lives. The couples may be sleeping in separate bedrooms, have separate social lives, or even going on separate holidays without each other!
By allowing the deep friendship to wither away over time, couples are striking at the very foundation of their marriage, allowing problems in marriage to grow, and multiply.
No. 1: Selfishness on the part of the partners
We now get to the number one cause for problems in marriage, which leads to the above two causes. Put simply, the fundamental cause for problems in marriage is selfishness.
When each partner puts themselves first, demanding that their own needs get met before that of their partners, then problems in marriage are a sad certainty. Yes, we are human, and (sadly) putting ourselves before others comes very naturally to us. But when this becomes the major pattern of relating, where there isn’t any sacrificing of your own preferences for the sake of your spouse, then conflicts and problems will arise in the marriage. In this situation, what is needed is a commitment on the part of each spouse to not only serve their own needs, but to take the time and effort to serve their partners needs.
Conclusion
Marriage is a commitment, and does involvessacrifice. If both partners are willing to serve each other, then the marriage can become a wonderful, and joyful relationship. But where the partners are only willing to serve themselves, then a downward spiral begins. The friendship between the partners grows cold, and this leads to ‘negative sentiment override’. Problems in this sort of marriage are inevitable.
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