Making Marriage Work: Part 2 – The Secret to Great Communication

In this second article, we look at how good, clear, communication is a solid foundation for making your marriage work.

You have probably noticed that there’s poor communication in so many marriages (perhaps even yours!). You know what it’s like. You spend hours arguing…only to realise that it’s all over a simple misunderstanding. Or better yet, you argue for half an hour, only to realise that you’re both after the same thing.

It doesn’t have to be this way! By using the following techniques, you’ll more likely have clear, anger-free communication with your spouse.

Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage

Steps to clear communication

All of the following steps can be summarised in the words of author Stephen Covey: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”. Good communication begins with a deliberate effort to first understand your spouse’s point of view, before putting across your own. If you do this, the chances of making your marriage work well greatly increase!

Step 1: Understand what your spouse is saying

Our natural desire is to be heard. But if we are serious about good communication within our marriage, then we need to get into the habit of standing in our spouses shoes, and seeing the issue from their point of view. This involves much more than being quiet when they speak (although that’s important!). And don’t think about what you’re going to say to them, while they’re still speaking. You really need to listen, and understand what they are saying (even if, or especially if, you don’t agree with them). If you can’t answer the question: what is my spouse really saying? Then you haven’t listened well enough, and making your marriage work well is going to be that much harder.

Step 2: Let your spouse know that you understand what they’re saying

Your aim must be to get your spouse to feel like you understand what they’re saying. The best way to do this is by repeating back to them (in your own words) not only what they are saying, but also what they mean. For example, if your spouse says “I really don’t think we can afford the holiday”, then you say something like: “you’re concerned we don’t have enough money”. Don’t just parrot back to them what they’re saying: try and listen to the deeper meaning.

Step 3: (Only) once you understand your spouse’s point of view, put your point of view across

Remember that steps 1 and 2 come before step 3. Understand your spouse, even if you disagree with them, before putting your own point of view across. This is because being understood is a deep human desire: it’s like getting air. If you don’t have enough air, then nothing else matters, except for getting enough air! Likewise, if you don’t really show your spouse that you truly understand them, then they haven’t got enough proverbial air, and won’t really care what you say. So make sure you give them the air that they need: then (and only then) will they be open to hearing what you’ve got to say.

Conclusion

By trying first to understand, before being understood, you’ll remove a lot of negative energy and misunderstanding from your marriage, and make your communication a lot easier and less stressful. This will really help in making your marriage work better.

Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage