Helpful Advice for Marriage – Part 2

In the first article on advice for marriage, we look at the first two of author John Gottman’s principles, namely that of getting to know each other, and secondly, nurturing fondness and admiration for your spouse.

In this article, we’ll look at more good advice for marriage, in the form of another key principle that will help your marriage to grow.

Principle 3: Turn toward each other instead of away.

This next principle is key advice for marriage. Gottman makes the claim that real connecting between husband and wife happens in the little moments of every day, not just in the intense moments of romance and passion.

Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage

So for example, when a wife makes a comment at the breakfast table about how nice the weather is, and the husband looks up from his newspaper and says ‘yeah, it is a nice day out there’, then the husband and wife are connecting, or ‘turning toward each other’. In happy marriages, such small daily connections are commonplace; in unhappy marriages, the husband probably wouldn’t even have looked up from the newspaper, but would have simply ignored his wife.

The foundation for romance is laid whenever these humdrum everyday connections take place. So when your wife says ‘it’s raining, and there’s washing outside’, and you reply ‘that’s ok – I’ll go get it’, instead of shrugging or ignoring her, then the foundation for romance grows. This is because you’ve made a choice to turn toward your wife, instead of away from her.

So in marriage, people make ‘bid’s’ for their partner’s support, attention, humour or affection. Spouses either turn toward each other after these bids or they turn away. The key advice for marriage here is to turn toward your spouse when they bid, as this is the basis for emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.

Turning toward each other builds up the emotional bank account

In another article, I discuss the importance of the emotional bank account. Partners who turn toward each other rather than away are building up a strong emotional bank account with each other. These ‘emotional savings’ then serves as a cushion when times get tough, when they’re facing conflict or difficulty in life. They can maintain a positive sense toward each other, and their marriage during these hard times, rather than a thinking of divorce.

Now the biggest benefit of a strong emotional bank account isn’t the cushion it provides during tough times, but the way it fuels long-lasting romance. This is the real secret to reconnecting with your partner. You see, a romantic night out only turns up the heat when the couple has kept the pilot light burning by turning toward each other in little ways.

The Key to turning toward each other daily

The best way to make sure that you’re turning toward each other daily is this: remember how important turning toward each other is! Yeah, I know, it sounds too simple, but the fact of the matter is that most couples ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice. So make sure that you don’t take your everyday interactions with your spouse for granted. Being helpful to each other, and turning toward each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two week European holiday.

If you follow this advice for marriage, and get into the habit of turning toward your spouse daily, then you’ll be laying a strong foundation that will reap great dividends for your marriage.

Click here for a Definitive Guide on How to Save Your Marriage